In recent years the question how can I help?
has become meaningful to many people. But perhaps there is a deeper
question we might consider. Perhaps the real question is not how can I
help? but how can I serve? Serving is different from helping. Helping
is based on inequality; it is not a relationship between equals. When
you help you use your own strength to help those of lesser strength. If
I’m attentive to what’s going on inside of me when I’m helping, I find
that I’m always helping someone who’s not as strong as I am, who is
needier than I am. People feel this inequality. When we help we may
inadvertently take away from people more than we could ever give them;
we may diminish their self-esteem, their sense of worth, integrity and
wholeness. When I help I am very aware of my own strength. But we don’t
serve with our strength, we serve with ourselves. We draw from all of
our experiences. Our limitations serve, our wounds serve, even our
darkness can serve. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others
and the wholeness in life. The wholeness in you is the same as the
wholeness in me. Service is a relationship between equals.
Helping incurs debt. When you help someone they owe you one. But serving, like healing, is mutual. There is no debt. I am as served as the person I am serving. When I help I have a feeling of satisfaction. When I serve I have a feeling of gratitude. These are very different things.
Serving is also different from fixing. When I fix a person I perceive them as broken, and their brokenness requires me to act. When I fix I do not see the wholeness in the other person or trust the integrity of the life in them. When I serve I see and trust that wholeness. It is what I am responding to and collaborating with.
There is distance between ourselves and whatever or whomever we are fixing. Fixing is a form of judgment. All judgment creates distance, a disconnection, an experience of difference. In fixing there is an inequality of expertise that can easily become a moral distance. We cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected, that which we are willing to touch. This is Mother Teresa’s basic message. We serve life not because it is broken but because it is holy.
If helping is an experience of strength, fixing is an experience of mastery and expertise. Service, on the other hand, is an experience of mystery, surrender and awe. A fixer has the illusion of being causal. A server knows that he or she is being used and has a willingness to be used in the service of something greater, something essentially unknown. Fixing and helping are very personal; they are very particular, concrete and specific. We fix and help many different things in our lifetimes, but when we serve we are always serving the same thing. Everyone who has ever served through the history of time serves the same thing. We are servers of the wholeness and mystery in life.
The bottom line, of course, is that we can fix without serving. And we can help without serving. And we can serve without fixing or helping. I think I would go so far as to say that fixing and helping may often be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul. They may look similar if you’re watching from the outside, but the inner experience is different. The outcome is often different, too.
Our service serves us as well as others. That which uses us strengthens us. Over time, fixing and helping are draining, depleting. Over time we burn out. Service is renewing. When we serve, our work itself will sustain us.
Service rests on the basic premise that the nature of life is sacred, that life is a holy mystery which has an unknown purpose. When we serve, we know that we belong to life and to that purpose. Fundamentally, helping, fixing and service are ways of seeing life. When you help you see life as weak, when you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. From the perspective of service, we are all connected: All suffering is like my suffering and all joy is like my joy. The impulse to serve emerges naturally and inevitably from this way of seeing.
Lastly, fixing and helping are the basis of curing, but not of healing. In 40 years of chronic illness I have been helped by many people and fixed by a great many others who did not recognize my wholeness. All that fixing and helping left me wounded in some important and fundamental ways. Only service heals.
By Rachel Naomi Remen
Reprinted with kind permission from Noetic Sciences Review, Spring 1996
You can’t exactly say that you know everything, but in an ambivalent effect, you kind of can. Due to the very idea that every fiber in this singular universe is but interconnected. What does this have to do with genuine service? Nobody has the patience to prove such a mechanism like karma exists, but in so many ways, its design are written in the miraculous wonder of our shear cosmos. Not only does one feel whole, after serving for another, but one also feels as if they have somehow made the shared world that much more of a better place. Once someone recognizes that we all count, and everything matters, they start to see minuscule patterns, after some time, of the infinite effect they have had upon the rest of such a perfect universe and elapsing reality. One can wonder an entire lifetime, what they have done to deserve such an existence, in such a beautiful world. It all has to do with making such a reality a better place, and each person can do their part. You don’t have to: ‘would of, should of, could of’ to find peace within the very confines of the physical. Certain actions can be performed, in order to still everlasting love within every single fiber of your being. Think and act upon ways in which you can make make such a planetary lifeform that much more of a better place, and you will find, by acting upon empirical situations, that you will feel more alive than you ever have. With an existential kind of freedom.